done

I do not want to live poisoned anymore.
But -
The heartbreak seems so final, so permanent.
It has and is and always will be;
There is no visible reprieve from the finality of a reality so desperately wished against.
The tears flowing down my face
Are the final runners in a distance race that has spanned the length of my whole life.
They are bitterly salty for age.
And yet – nothing has changed, except perhaps me.
However, I’ve changed against my own wishes, my own hopes.
I’ve had to change, adapt.
It is not fair nor how things should or were intended to be.
I cannot stop the tears,
They angrily well up and rebelliously sneak down my face.
Against my will, my face turns a hateful shade of red and puffy.
And although I will myself to the place of acceptance,
My heart cries out an anguished NOOOOOOO!!
Please, God, nooooo…..
But –
I do not want to live poisoned anymore.
To release the grip my blood has had on the venom flowing through my veins requires turning away.
Turning away from the belief I’ve held to my breast as if it were my only child,
That I was everything she told me I was instead of all that I’ve been made to be.
My hands are stiff and gnarled at having held on for so long.
My eyes do not even know how to see anymore.
But –
I do not want to live poisoned anymore.
I.must.let.go.
Must.hang.on.to.something.different.
Must.
I will not live poisoned anymore.

acknowledge

I trust in you with all my heart;

I lean not to my own understanding.

In all my ways I acknowledge you,

and you direct my paths.

~Proverbs 3:5&6

Here read this - it's fascinating!

Definition of 'acknowledge':
----To admit the existence, reality, or truth of.
----To recognize as being valid or having force or power.

----To express thanks or gratitude for.

Father, today, with everything in me, I acknowledge you, I admit and am breathlessly thankful that you exist inside of me, that you are real inside of me, that you are truth, through me. I acknowledge that you are real and that in my life you have all the power. I am so thankful for you, that you are real inside of me, that your signature is on every cell of my body.

I invite you into all the parts of my heart that I was trying to keep hidden from you because I was scared.

Fling open my heart's windows and flood me with how much you love me so that I can be whole, so that I can hear your voice, so that I can love and be loved, so that my husband and I can be closer than breath and we can worship you together.

Love, Christel

rest

I see you.
You are a knight.
You may deny it - you've tried to hide your identity from so many.
But I see you.

I see you on the battlefield.
You've been fighting for so long.
This war has been going on endlessly, it seems.
You have been the crown's greatest champion.
And now, here you are:
Lying in the middle of the battlefield.

You are wounded.
Your wounds are bleeding.
Your sword arm is weak and tired.
Your legs cannot take another step.
Your heart doesn't even know if it can keep beating.

This has been hard, this war.
It was a war that should have never been started.
But here it is, raging full force.
And even thought it shouldn't have happened,
You fought your hardest, defending the honor of the country that you love.
You would keep fighting forever, I think, if your arm would hold up and wounds stop bleeding.

As it is, here you are - lying on the battlefield,
Unable to keep fighting, unable to even get back up.
All your foes are dead, and even if some are still alive, they are days away.
So you are left with one option:
If something's not done about this bleeding, this war will rage on without you - forever.

I hear you say to yourself:
Time to see about this bleeding,
Because today is certainly NOT a good day to die.
Not today.

And as you make that decision,
You see me reaching out my hand.
Because I've been there all along
Waiting to care for you
Waiting to bind up your wounds
Feed you warm healing liquids
Nourishing you back to life again.

I've been waiting for you to quit this war, so that I can show you: the war's been won.
I already took care of everything for you.
You don't have to fight anymore.

Come...
Let me love you back to life again.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matthew 11:28-30

merry

Merry Christmas

Merry loving

Merry everything good that could possibly come my way

Merry grateful

Merry I have every good thing

Merry good, good friends

Merry loving, faithful, loyal husband

Merry amazing family

Merry wonderful inlaws

Merry gorgeous step-daughter

Merry love

Merry thanks

Merry wonderful

Merry Christmas!

Share your thoughts

http://churchsuckschallenge.com/

I think everyone should be a part of this! How are we, as the church, ever to get more relevant if we don't ask the hard questions?

Let's, as Christians, never be afraid to get into conversations with Gentiles and let them tell US how it is.

humbly pie

Blogs are such shameless exhibitors of their creator's diligence or lack thereof... Being a writer, I find that I'm more subject to my whims of feeling or not, instead of the other way around. I suppose that's the way it is with everything: learning how to bend our fantastical whimsies to the gentle hands of structure, commitment and dedication...

Today, I am feeling humbled and sad. There are truths about myself that I must face that only those in my inner circle have gently been able to cause me to see. I must change or perish. And of course, it's never that serious, is it? But our emotions are funny things, are they not? Making mountains out of molehills, mansions out of cardboard boxes, dreams come true out of the most destructive circumstances...

I am therefore coming to the humbled position, slowly as though I'm being carried on a stretcher to the base of it's throne, that my feelings are not to be my end-all, be-all, my guru and teacher. There are higher truths, bigger and more meaningful committments, wiser guides than these. Which in and of itself, is sad. My feelings - are just that - mine; and sometimes taste of the sweetest honey... of course, the bitter aftertaste is so often forgotten about...

I am reading, again, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Risking the tinny sound of blasphemy, I'll tell you that this lovely memoir is quickly becoming my Bible - my voice for feelings and moments who up to this point have been mute for lack of expression: I'll end with something she writes.

We open on Liz in Chapter 4, weeping, in a pile on her bathroom floor where she has been every night for the past two months, dealing with all the torrent of pain and grief that a person goes through who just can't be married anymore and doesn't know what to do. She has sobbed herself in the middle of her own Lake Inferior, when for the first time - ever? - she cries out to God. Her prayer ends with her begging over and over, "Please tell me what to do,"; and all of a sudden, her weeping stops. The tears and sobs are simply gone; and in their place a stillness and then, a voice. "Go back to bed, Liz."

She follows up that moment by stating that "true wisdom give the only possible answer at any moment, and that night, going back to bed was the only possible answer."

Thick

I feel you
I don’t know what you’re saying
But I feel you in a way I don’t know how to explain
Your presence is thick in my soul
If I were to try to walk through it my boots would get stuck
I know you’re here
I don’t know how I know except that I can’t sleep
And I feel the words flowing out of my soul
Words that have no form or shape
If I were to try and write them, they would form their own language
Spoken, they only express vague senses and pictures
But my soul wells with emotion and ‘knowing’
And MUST express.
You are thick with me
The bold strokes of your love shadow my world
And all I want to do is bask in your shade

I feel you
I see you
In ways that no one else will understand
Please help me help everyone understand
So that, like heavy marmalade, you can be spread thick on them as well
And sweeten every moment of ‘awake’ that they have.

Love-stained

I am mildly sick today. Well, if I’m honest, I’m experiencing the effects of a cold that has been slowly coming on all week. There’s no way to tell at this point if it’s going to hit me full force; but that, in part, is why I’m writing this… I think I have something major going on.

Here… I realize you don’t inhabit my head – let me enlighten with a little explanation.

This has been a week. I mean, really. There has been so many things going on. Now, every time I say everything out loud to the people I am telling, I realize that to them, it may not sound like that much. Even my dear husband, who at his worst, is the most supportive man I’ve ever met, looks at me a little cock-eyed when I try to describe why this has been so ‘major’.

To elaborate a little, my car was stolen, I have two major school projects due that are FORCING me out of my comfort zone, I’ve started writing regularly which I’ve said I wanted to do for YEARS now, and I’m in the middle of an investigative process into the issue of my fertility which is causing me to truly FACE the issues of being a mother in a very REAL way.

Okay, so that does sound like a lot. But here’s what I finally realized today: every single thing that is happening here on the outside of my body is CHALLENGING just about EVERY single negative belief I think I’ve ever had about myself. These projects I’m desperately trying to finish are forcing me into practicing and relearning the drawing skills I so adamantly like to deny I have. The blog I’ve started through getting involved in a dear friend of mine’s blog, is so much more ‘me’ than I ever wanted to admit and is calling to me just about every day – for the first time since I can remember, I have a STRONG desire to post something to it regularly. This, by the way, goes against my belief that showing myself to any part of the public will inevitably draw criticism and therefore pain. My car was stolen forcing me and Mark to buy a vehicle that will help us take the next step into the business we’ve been wanting to start but have been lacking the incentive to do so. These fertility tests are making me face the truth inside my deepest heart of hearts about whether or not I really and truly WANT to have children.

So, I’m thinking: could there be any more events that we the universe could cram into one week in order to force me into my destiny? And I realize that I’ve used the word ‘force’ quite a bit for one posting, but I seriously feel like that’s what’s been happening. It’s like through the choices I’ve made in taking these classes, going through these tests, choosing to recreate my blog, I’m letting my choices take me into the presence of, face to face with the very beliefs that have kept me trapped this whole time.

If I’m even more honest, I’ve been given a second set of eyes lately in looking back at my past experiences in the last five years.

Let me elaborate, again: it has been a HARD five years. I’ve been through one failed marriage, one failed business, one divorce and another relationship and marriage. I’m currently in the latter marriage and I’m very happy, but I’ve had so many ups and downs and failures to combat that it has been really easy to write myself off. It’s only recently with the strategic placement of several key people that God has been able to get back through to me with how valuable I am to him and just in general, and has shown me the infinite value in everything I’ve gone through.

I’ve seen how miserable job situations have been used to toughen me up to people’s harsh and varied opinions. I’ve seen how a failed business has resulted in me being an impeccable steward of resources. I’ve seen how a keenly placed customer was used to coral me into asking for the little bit of help I knew I needed. And honestly, the list goes on and on.

So, I’m going through this week and I’m feeling my body collapsing under me from the pressure of everything that is being crushed and taken out with the power of love…. And I’m sitting back looking at all of it, and for the first time, I’m able to say to myself: “Don’t worry. I know this looks like a lot now, but it’s really not. There are some really big things that we’re facing together now. But that’s just it – we’re facing them together now. We’re going to be able to move into the things we were made for, we’re going to be able to communicate and write and draw just like you always wanted to, and everything’s going to be okay. God is with us. We are never alone, and we will walk through this into our destiny, together.”

And I feel another voice echoing mine… or is it leading the anthem? “O Christel, I have searched you and I know you. I know when you sit and when you rise; I perceive your thoughts from afar. I have discerned your going out and your lying down; I am familiar with all your ways… I hem you in – behind and before; I have laid my hand upon you… Where can you go from my Spirit? Where can you flee from my presence? If you go up to the heavens, I am there; if you make your bed in the depths, I am there… even there my hand will guide you, my right hand will holdyou fast.” ~Psalm 139:1-10

Trusting your gut

I had lunch with a friend today.

Let me just say - how life-giving it is to have good friends! In and of itself, it's food for my soul. But we also got onto a topic that I find very interesting: just "knowing" where you are and having a "sense" of where you are going.

We were talking about the subject of having kids. I am, as of this moment in time, unable to have children. I don't know why; and I'm in the investigative process at a fertility clinic right now in order to understand the ins and outs of the 'why'. It could be my husband, but my gut tells me it is me; and regardless, the physical results of this malady have put me in an interesting position: one of making an actual decision about children.

The nice thing about having girlfriends and being a girl yourself is that you have the freedom to just 'talk' about issues: things like whether or not you really WANT to have children; and regardless of the conclusions reached in that conversation, you're free to change your mind during the next conversation based on the way you FEEL about it that day :) I have talked through this issue with I don't even know HOW many different women, and I have run the full gamut of whether or not I really want to have children - from I definitely DO and I KNOW it, to I'm not sure, to I definitely do NOT. It changes every time I talk about it and my feelings about the subject fluctuate with the circumstances of every day and the feelings of the moment.

Today when I was talking about it, it was almost like I was able to get out of my own way. It was like the Holy Spirit was able to pull back the curtain of my feelings and thoughts, and for the 'first' time, show me clearly what my path really was. Could I see the details of the path - no. But when you're walking down an actual path, can you see more than the 10-20 feet in front of you? No. However, I could see a path; and I had a clear sense of what the path would hold.

Intuition, many times and in many circles, is written off to being a female thing and something not to be trusted. But my experience has been that my intuition is really not mine at all. My intuition's name is the Holy Spirit, and he loves me. He sees me. He knows me. And he knows my path better than I ever will and sees farther down it than I ever could or want to. If I'm willing to synch up with him, he'll lead me - and the end result will be better than I ever could have imagined.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. [However] As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,...so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace..." ~Isaiah 55:8-12