Love-stained

I am mildly sick today. Well, if I’m honest, I’m experiencing the effects of a cold that has been slowly coming on all week. There’s no way to tell at this point if it’s going to hit me full force; but that, in part, is why I’m writing this… I think I have something major going on.

Here… I realize you don’t inhabit my head – let me enlighten with a little explanation.

This has been a week. I mean, really. There has been so many things going on. Now, every time I say everything out loud to the people I am telling, I realize that to them, it may not sound like that much. Even my dear husband, who at his worst, is the most supportive man I’ve ever met, looks at me a little cock-eyed when I try to describe why this has been so ‘major’.

To elaborate a little, my car was stolen, I have two major school projects due that are FORCING me out of my comfort zone, I’ve started writing regularly which I’ve said I wanted to do for YEARS now, and I’m in the middle of an investigative process into the issue of my fertility which is causing me to truly FACE the issues of being a mother in a very REAL way.

Okay, so that does sound like a lot. But here’s what I finally realized today: every single thing that is happening here on the outside of my body is CHALLENGING just about EVERY single negative belief I think I’ve ever had about myself. These projects I’m desperately trying to finish are forcing me into practicing and relearning the drawing skills I so adamantly like to deny I have. The blog I’ve started through getting involved in a dear friend of mine’s blog, is so much more ‘me’ than I ever wanted to admit and is calling to me just about every day – for the first time since I can remember, I have a STRONG desire to post something to it regularly. This, by the way, goes against my belief that showing myself to any part of the public will inevitably draw criticism and therefore pain. My car was stolen forcing me and Mark to buy a vehicle that will help us take the next step into the business we’ve been wanting to start but have been lacking the incentive to do so. These fertility tests are making me face the truth inside my deepest heart of hearts about whether or not I really and truly WANT to have children.

So, I’m thinking: could there be any more events that we the universe could cram into one week in order to force me into my destiny? And I realize that I’ve used the word ‘force’ quite a bit for one posting, but I seriously feel like that’s what’s been happening. It’s like through the choices I’ve made in taking these classes, going through these tests, choosing to recreate my blog, I’m letting my choices take me into the presence of, face to face with the very beliefs that have kept me trapped this whole time.

If I’m even more honest, I’ve been given a second set of eyes lately in looking back at my past experiences in the last five years.

Let me elaborate, again: it has been a HARD five years. I’ve been through one failed marriage, one failed business, one divorce and another relationship and marriage. I’m currently in the latter marriage and I’m very happy, but I’ve had so many ups and downs and failures to combat that it has been really easy to write myself off. It’s only recently with the strategic placement of several key people that God has been able to get back through to me with how valuable I am to him and just in general, and has shown me the infinite value in everything I’ve gone through.

I’ve seen how miserable job situations have been used to toughen me up to people’s harsh and varied opinions. I’ve seen how a failed business has resulted in me being an impeccable steward of resources. I’ve seen how a keenly placed customer was used to coral me into asking for the little bit of help I knew I needed. And honestly, the list goes on and on.

So, I’m going through this week and I’m feeling my body collapsing under me from the pressure of everything that is being crushed and taken out with the power of love…. And I’m sitting back looking at all of it, and for the first time, I’m able to say to myself: “Don’t worry. I know this looks like a lot now, but it’s really not. There are some really big things that we’re facing together now. But that’s just it – we’re facing them together now. We’re going to be able to move into the things we were made for, we’re going to be able to communicate and write and draw just like you always wanted to, and everything’s going to be okay. God is with us. We are never alone, and we will walk through this into our destiny, together.”

And I feel another voice echoing mine… or is it leading the anthem? “O Christel, I have searched you and I know you. I know when you sit and when you rise; I perceive your thoughts from afar. I have discerned your going out and your lying down; I am familiar with all your ways… I hem you in – behind and before; I have laid my hand upon you… Where can you go from my Spirit? Where can you flee from my presence? If you go up to the heavens, I am there; if you make your bed in the depths, I am there… even there my hand will guide you, my right hand will holdyou fast.” ~Psalm 139:1-10