Thick

I feel you
I don’t know what you’re saying
But I feel you in a way I don’t know how to explain
Your presence is thick in my soul
If I were to try to walk through it my boots would get stuck
I know you’re here
I don’t know how I know except that I can’t sleep
And I feel the words flowing out of my soul
Words that have no form or shape
If I were to try and write them, they would form their own language
Spoken, they only express vague senses and pictures
But my soul wells with emotion and ‘knowing’
And MUST express.
You are thick with me
The bold strokes of your love shadow my world
And all I want to do is bask in your shade

I feel you
I see you
In ways that no one else will understand
Please help me help everyone understand
So that, like heavy marmalade, you can be spread thick on them as well
And sweeten every moment of ‘awake’ that they have.

Love-stained

I am mildly sick today. Well, if I’m honest, I’m experiencing the effects of a cold that has been slowly coming on all week. There’s no way to tell at this point if it’s going to hit me full force; but that, in part, is why I’m writing this… I think I have something major going on.

Here… I realize you don’t inhabit my head – let me enlighten with a little explanation.

This has been a week. I mean, really. There has been so many things going on. Now, every time I say everything out loud to the people I am telling, I realize that to them, it may not sound like that much. Even my dear husband, who at his worst, is the most supportive man I’ve ever met, looks at me a little cock-eyed when I try to describe why this has been so ‘major’.

To elaborate a little, my car was stolen, I have two major school projects due that are FORCING me out of my comfort zone, I’ve started writing regularly which I’ve said I wanted to do for YEARS now, and I’m in the middle of an investigative process into the issue of my fertility which is causing me to truly FACE the issues of being a mother in a very REAL way.

Okay, so that does sound like a lot. But here’s what I finally realized today: every single thing that is happening here on the outside of my body is CHALLENGING just about EVERY single negative belief I think I’ve ever had about myself. These projects I’m desperately trying to finish are forcing me into practicing and relearning the drawing skills I so adamantly like to deny I have. The blog I’ve started through getting involved in a dear friend of mine’s blog, is so much more ‘me’ than I ever wanted to admit and is calling to me just about every day – for the first time since I can remember, I have a STRONG desire to post something to it regularly. This, by the way, goes against my belief that showing myself to any part of the public will inevitably draw criticism and therefore pain. My car was stolen forcing me and Mark to buy a vehicle that will help us take the next step into the business we’ve been wanting to start but have been lacking the incentive to do so. These fertility tests are making me face the truth inside my deepest heart of hearts about whether or not I really and truly WANT to have children.

So, I’m thinking: could there be any more events that we the universe could cram into one week in order to force me into my destiny? And I realize that I’ve used the word ‘force’ quite a bit for one posting, but I seriously feel like that’s what’s been happening. It’s like through the choices I’ve made in taking these classes, going through these tests, choosing to recreate my blog, I’m letting my choices take me into the presence of, face to face with the very beliefs that have kept me trapped this whole time.

If I’m even more honest, I’ve been given a second set of eyes lately in looking back at my past experiences in the last five years.

Let me elaborate, again: it has been a HARD five years. I’ve been through one failed marriage, one failed business, one divorce and another relationship and marriage. I’m currently in the latter marriage and I’m very happy, but I’ve had so many ups and downs and failures to combat that it has been really easy to write myself off. It’s only recently with the strategic placement of several key people that God has been able to get back through to me with how valuable I am to him and just in general, and has shown me the infinite value in everything I’ve gone through.

I’ve seen how miserable job situations have been used to toughen me up to people’s harsh and varied opinions. I’ve seen how a failed business has resulted in me being an impeccable steward of resources. I’ve seen how a keenly placed customer was used to coral me into asking for the little bit of help I knew I needed. And honestly, the list goes on and on.

So, I’m going through this week and I’m feeling my body collapsing under me from the pressure of everything that is being crushed and taken out with the power of love…. And I’m sitting back looking at all of it, and for the first time, I’m able to say to myself: “Don’t worry. I know this looks like a lot now, but it’s really not. There are some really big things that we’re facing together now. But that’s just it – we’re facing them together now. We’re going to be able to move into the things we were made for, we’re going to be able to communicate and write and draw just like you always wanted to, and everything’s going to be okay. God is with us. We are never alone, and we will walk through this into our destiny, together.”

And I feel another voice echoing mine… or is it leading the anthem? “O Christel, I have searched you and I know you. I know when you sit and when you rise; I perceive your thoughts from afar. I have discerned your going out and your lying down; I am familiar with all your ways… I hem you in – behind and before; I have laid my hand upon you… Where can you go from my Spirit? Where can you flee from my presence? If you go up to the heavens, I am there; if you make your bed in the depths, I am there… even there my hand will guide you, my right hand will holdyou fast.” ~Psalm 139:1-10

Trusting your gut

I had lunch with a friend today.

Let me just say - how life-giving it is to have good friends! In and of itself, it's food for my soul. But we also got onto a topic that I find very interesting: just "knowing" where you are and having a "sense" of where you are going.

We were talking about the subject of having kids. I am, as of this moment in time, unable to have children. I don't know why; and I'm in the investigative process at a fertility clinic right now in order to understand the ins and outs of the 'why'. It could be my husband, but my gut tells me it is me; and regardless, the physical results of this malady have put me in an interesting position: one of making an actual decision about children.

The nice thing about having girlfriends and being a girl yourself is that you have the freedom to just 'talk' about issues: things like whether or not you really WANT to have children; and regardless of the conclusions reached in that conversation, you're free to change your mind during the next conversation based on the way you FEEL about it that day :) I have talked through this issue with I don't even know HOW many different women, and I have run the full gamut of whether or not I really want to have children - from I definitely DO and I KNOW it, to I'm not sure, to I definitely do NOT. It changes every time I talk about it and my feelings about the subject fluctuate with the circumstances of every day and the feelings of the moment.

Today when I was talking about it, it was almost like I was able to get out of my own way. It was like the Holy Spirit was able to pull back the curtain of my feelings and thoughts, and for the 'first' time, show me clearly what my path really was. Could I see the details of the path - no. But when you're walking down an actual path, can you see more than the 10-20 feet in front of you? No. However, I could see a path; and I had a clear sense of what the path would hold.

Intuition, many times and in many circles, is written off to being a female thing and something not to be trusted. But my experience has been that my intuition is really not mine at all. My intuition's name is the Holy Spirit, and he loves me. He sees me. He knows me. And he knows my path better than I ever will and sees farther down it than I ever could or want to. If I'm willing to synch up with him, he'll lead me - and the end result will be better than I ever could have imagined.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. [However] As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,...so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace..." ~Isaiah 55:8-12

But you can call me Charlie

Hi, my name's Jesus!

Oh you know me? I thought you might have forgotten...

What's that? Hmmmm.

Yea, I wouldn't like me either if I thought I did that.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

That was painful - I remember holding you through it.

Hmmm? What? Yea, I was there.

I cried with you.

I remember holding you and wiping your tears.... there were so many.

Oh, don't cry now. You didn't know... it's okay.

You're here now. I'm here now. That's all that matters to me.

I love you so much - so much it's hard to put into words.

And if you don't like "Jesus"... you can call me Charlie....

Just call me. I love you.

"That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet..." ~Shakespeare

Post-election appassionata

I am a Christian. For all intents and purposes, I was trained to be a pastor. I have not had a perfect life; in fact, I have made many choices that go 'against' what a Christian should do. And I am sitting here in front of my computer RELIEVED that I have had the opportunity to go through what almost everyone else in the world goes through, because although at this point in time I am questioning many things and re-sorting my beliefs and priorities - although I need to, as most Christians would say, come back to God - I have walked through the desert with everyone else who has been there and I freaking know and understand - real life.

I've been reading lately. I've been reading blogs and books and articles from people who have been pro-McCain and pro-Republican because simply put: he and Sarah Palin represent the principles and values they hold most dear. Well, history has made itself and Obama won. Probably no more point arguing it now. But I see a bigger problem. And I have seen and read very little that addresses it.

We as Christians like to believe that we are somehow 'set apart' and different and better than the rest of world. I know no one wants to say that out loud, but if we're honest, that's what we think. We box ourselves in, keep ourselves safe with our belief in 'values' and 'principles' and many, many times lose sight of the reality of life and the realities in which other people live.

If I'm honest, I don't see the point to a God who can't connect with real people in real times. I don't see a point to a religious stand that keeps us Christians separate and apart from people - real people. I don't see a point to being 'holy' - set apart, completely other - if we are completely other, away from everybody else. Our extreme viewpoints polarize and alienate us from the rest of the world. We cry out in the safety of our churches for revival to come to the land and yet we as the deliverers of hope wall ourselves in with our narrow viewpoints and extreme opinions. We have no hope to offer on our self-rightous pedestals.

What does Barack Obama represent? Forgetting for one moment that the Democratic party historically combats some of the basic principles that Christians make their stand on: Barack Obama represents hope. That in and of itself should be a shining light into our corporate Christian brain - that in and and of itself should be the 'ah hah' we've all been waiting for. Hope is what people want. Hope is what people need. Hope is what was shining on the faces of the thousands of people crowding the square last night in Chicago. And funny enough: oh, and this is where it gets good and what causes gratitude and tears to flow through my heart: hope is what Jesus brought.

He brought hope that we can be and are, children of God. He brought hope that we can know the Father even more and better than he did. He brought hope that we, the common people, would do the things that he did and yet even more. He brought hope of eternal life - not just the kind that goes on after the body dies, but here - and now. He brought hope that we can go through anything - and he will understand and forgive and teach and love.........Jesus brought hope.

I think we, as a corporate whole, have completely and thoroughly missed the point. And I think it's time for us to start opening our eyes. The world wants hope. We have the answer. Not in the form of judgments and opinions and stalwart beliefs: in the love that flows through us because we were first loved. We have to be willing to get off our high-powered, status-oriented, principled horses, and get down in the muck with everyone else. I think what we might find will surprise us. Because funny enough, the muck is where everything grows. And hope is seed easily planted and once sown - a tree that bears beautiful fruit.