done

I do not want to live poisoned anymore.
But -
The heartbreak seems so final, so permanent.
It has and is and always will be;
There is no visible reprieve from the finality of a reality so desperately wished against.
The tears flowing down my face
Are the final runners in a distance race that has spanned the length of my whole life.
They are bitterly salty for age.
And yet – nothing has changed, except perhaps me.
However, I’ve changed against my own wishes, my own hopes.
I’ve had to change, adapt.
It is not fair nor how things should or were intended to be.
I cannot stop the tears,
They angrily well up and rebelliously sneak down my face.
Against my will, my face turns a hateful shade of red and puffy.
And although I will myself to the place of acceptance,
My heart cries out an anguished NOOOOOOO!!
Please, God, nooooo…..
But –
I do not want to live poisoned anymore.
To release the grip my blood has had on the venom flowing through my veins requires turning away.
Turning away from the belief I’ve held to my breast as if it were my only child,
That I was everything she told me I was instead of all that I’ve been made to be.
My hands are stiff and gnarled at having held on for so long.
My eyes do not even know how to see anymore.
But –
I do not want to live poisoned anymore.
I.must.let.go.
Must.hang.on.to.something.different.
Must.
I will not live poisoned anymore.

acknowledge

I trust in you with all my heart;

I lean not to my own understanding.

In all my ways I acknowledge you,

and you direct my paths.

~Proverbs 3:5&6

Here read this - it's fascinating!

Definition of 'acknowledge':
----To admit the existence, reality, or truth of.
----To recognize as being valid or having force or power.

----To express thanks or gratitude for.

Father, today, with everything in me, I acknowledge you, I admit and am breathlessly thankful that you exist inside of me, that you are real inside of me, that you are truth, through me. I acknowledge that you are real and that in my life you have all the power. I am so thankful for you, that you are real inside of me, that your signature is on every cell of my body.

I invite you into all the parts of my heart that I was trying to keep hidden from you because I was scared.

Fling open my heart's windows and flood me with how much you love me so that I can be whole, so that I can hear your voice, so that I can love and be loved, so that my husband and I can be closer than breath and we can worship you together.

Love, Christel

rest

I see you.
You are a knight.
You may deny it - you've tried to hide your identity from so many.
But I see you.

I see you on the battlefield.
You've been fighting for so long.
This war has been going on endlessly, it seems.
You have been the crown's greatest champion.
And now, here you are:
Lying in the middle of the battlefield.

You are wounded.
Your wounds are bleeding.
Your sword arm is weak and tired.
Your legs cannot take another step.
Your heart doesn't even know if it can keep beating.

This has been hard, this war.
It was a war that should have never been started.
But here it is, raging full force.
And even thought it shouldn't have happened,
You fought your hardest, defending the honor of the country that you love.
You would keep fighting forever, I think, if your arm would hold up and wounds stop bleeding.

As it is, here you are - lying on the battlefield,
Unable to keep fighting, unable to even get back up.
All your foes are dead, and even if some are still alive, they are days away.
So you are left with one option:
If something's not done about this bleeding, this war will rage on without you - forever.

I hear you say to yourself:
Time to see about this bleeding,
Because today is certainly NOT a good day to die.
Not today.

And as you make that decision,
You see me reaching out my hand.
Because I've been there all along
Waiting to care for you
Waiting to bind up your wounds
Feed you warm healing liquids
Nourishing you back to life again.

I've been waiting for you to quit this war, so that I can show you: the war's been won.
I already took care of everything for you.
You don't have to fight anymore.

Come...
Let me love you back to life again.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matthew 11:28-30