done

I do not want to live poisoned anymore.
But -
The heartbreak seems so final, so permanent.
It has and is and always will be;
There is no visible reprieve from the finality of a reality so desperately wished against.
The tears flowing down my face
Are the final runners in a distance race that has spanned the length of my whole life.
They are bitterly salty for age.
And yet – nothing has changed, except perhaps me.
However, I’ve changed against my own wishes, my own hopes.
I’ve had to change, adapt.
It is not fair nor how things should or were intended to be.
I cannot stop the tears,
They angrily well up and rebelliously sneak down my face.
Against my will, my face turns a hateful shade of red and puffy.
And although I will myself to the place of acceptance,
My heart cries out an anguished NOOOOOOO!!
Please, God, nooooo…..
But –
I do not want to live poisoned anymore.
To release the grip my blood has had on the venom flowing through my veins requires turning away.
Turning away from the belief I’ve held to my breast as if it were my only child,
That I was everything she told me I was instead of all that I’ve been made to be.
My hands are stiff and gnarled at having held on for so long.
My eyes do not even know how to see anymore.
But –
I do not want to live poisoned anymore.
I.must.let.go.
Must.hang.on.to.something.different.
Must.
I will not live poisoned anymore.