merry

Merry Christmas

Merry loving

Merry everything good that could possibly come my way

Merry grateful

Merry I have every good thing

Merry good, good friends

Merry loving, faithful, loyal husband

Merry amazing family

Merry wonderful inlaws

Merry gorgeous step-daughter

Merry love

Merry thanks

Merry wonderful

Merry Christmas!

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http://churchsuckschallenge.com/

I think everyone should be a part of this! How are we, as the church, ever to get more relevant if we don't ask the hard questions?

Let's, as Christians, never be afraid to get into conversations with Gentiles and let them tell US how it is.

humbly pie

Blogs are such shameless exhibitors of their creator's diligence or lack thereof... Being a writer, I find that I'm more subject to my whims of feeling or not, instead of the other way around. I suppose that's the way it is with everything: learning how to bend our fantastical whimsies to the gentle hands of structure, commitment and dedication...

Today, I am feeling humbled and sad. There are truths about myself that I must face that only those in my inner circle have gently been able to cause me to see. I must change or perish. And of course, it's never that serious, is it? But our emotions are funny things, are they not? Making mountains out of molehills, mansions out of cardboard boxes, dreams come true out of the most destructive circumstances...

I am therefore coming to the humbled position, slowly as though I'm being carried on a stretcher to the base of it's throne, that my feelings are not to be my end-all, be-all, my guru and teacher. There are higher truths, bigger and more meaningful committments, wiser guides than these. Which in and of itself, is sad. My feelings - are just that - mine; and sometimes taste of the sweetest honey... of course, the bitter aftertaste is so often forgotten about...

I am reading, again, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Risking the tinny sound of blasphemy, I'll tell you that this lovely memoir is quickly becoming my Bible - my voice for feelings and moments who up to this point have been mute for lack of expression: I'll end with something she writes.

We open on Liz in Chapter 4, weeping, in a pile on her bathroom floor where she has been every night for the past two months, dealing with all the torrent of pain and grief that a person goes through who just can't be married anymore and doesn't know what to do. She has sobbed herself in the middle of her own Lake Inferior, when for the first time - ever? - she cries out to God. Her prayer ends with her begging over and over, "Please tell me what to do,"; and all of a sudden, her weeping stops. The tears and sobs are simply gone; and in their place a stillness and then, a voice. "Go back to bed, Liz."

She follows up that moment by stating that "true wisdom give the only possible answer at any moment, and that night, going back to bed was the only possible answer."

Thick

I feel you
I don’t know what you’re saying
But I feel you in a way I don’t know how to explain
Your presence is thick in my soul
If I were to try to walk through it my boots would get stuck
I know you’re here
I don’t know how I know except that I can’t sleep
And I feel the words flowing out of my soul
Words that have no form or shape
If I were to try and write them, they would form their own language
Spoken, they only express vague senses and pictures
But my soul wells with emotion and ‘knowing’
And MUST express.
You are thick with me
The bold strokes of your love shadow my world
And all I want to do is bask in your shade

I feel you
I see you
In ways that no one else will understand
Please help me help everyone understand
So that, like heavy marmalade, you can be spread thick on them as well
And sweeten every moment of ‘awake’ that they have.

Love-stained

I am mildly sick today. Well, if I’m honest, I’m experiencing the effects of a cold that has been slowly coming on all week. There’s no way to tell at this point if it’s going to hit me full force; but that, in part, is why I’m writing this… I think I have something major going on.

Here… I realize you don’t inhabit my head – let me enlighten with a little explanation.

This has been a week. I mean, really. There has been so many things going on. Now, every time I say everything out loud to the people I am telling, I realize that to them, it may not sound like that much. Even my dear husband, who at his worst, is the most supportive man I’ve ever met, looks at me a little cock-eyed when I try to describe why this has been so ‘major’.

To elaborate a little, my car was stolen, I have two major school projects due that are FORCING me out of my comfort zone, I’ve started writing regularly which I’ve said I wanted to do for YEARS now, and I’m in the middle of an investigative process into the issue of my fertility which is causing me to truly FACE the issues of being a mother in a very REAL way.

Okay, so that does sound like a lot. But here’s what I finally realized today: every single thing that is happening here on the outside of my body is CHALLENGING just about EVERY single negative belief I think I’ve ever had about myself. These projects I’m desperately trying to finish are forcing me into practicing and relearning the drawing skills I so adamantly like to deny I have. The blog I’ve started through getting involved in a dear friend of mine’s blog, is so much more ‘me’ than I ever wanted to admit and is calling to me just about every day – for the first time since I can remember, I have a STRONG desire to post something to it regularly. This, by the way, goes against my belief that showing myself to any part of the public will inevitably draw criticism and therefore pain. My car was stolen forcing me and Mark to buy a vehicle that will help us take the next step into the business we’ve been wanting to start but have been lacking the incentive to do so. These fertility tests are making me face the truth inside my deepest heart of hearts about whether or not I really and truly WANT to have children.

So, I’m thinking: could there be any more events that we the universe could cram into one week in order to force me into my destiny? And I realize that I’ve used the word ‘force’ quite a bit for one posting, but I seriously feel like that’s what’s been happening. It’s like through the choices I’ve made in taking these classes, going through these tests, choosing to recreate my blog, I’m letting my choices take me into the presence of, face to face with the very beliefs that have kept me trapped this whole time.

If I’m even more honest, I’ve been given a second set of eyes lately in looking back at my past experiences in the last five years.

Let me elaborate, again: it has been a HARD five years. I’ve been through one failed marriage, one failed business, one divorce and another relationship and marriage. I’m currently in the latter marriage and I’m very happy, but I’ve had so many ups and downs and failures to combat that it has been really easy to write myself off. It’s only recently with the strategic placement of several key people that God has been able to get back through to me with how valuable I am to him and just in general, and has shown me the infinite value in everything I’ve gone through.

I’ve seen how miserable job situations have been used to toughen me up to people’s harsh and varied opinions. I’ve seen how a failed business has resulted in me being an impeccable steward of resources. I’ve seen how a keenly placed customer was used to coral me into asking for the little bit of help I knew I needed. And honestly, the list goes on and on.

So, I’m going through this week and I’m feeling my body collapsing under me from the pressure of everything that is being crushed and taken out with the power of love…. And I’m sitting back looking at all of it, and for the first time, I’m able to say to myself: “Don’t worry. I know this looks like a lot now, but it’s really not. There are some really big things that we’re facing together now. But that’s just it – we’re facing them together now. We’re going to be able to move into the things we were made for, we’re going to be able to communicate and write and draw just like you always wanted to, and everything’s going to be okay. God is with us. We are never alone, and we will walk through this into our destiny, together.”

And I feel another voice echoing mine… or is it leading the anthem? “O Christel, I have searched you and I know you. I know when you sit and when you rise; I perceive your thoughts from afar. I have discerned your going out and your lying down; I am familiar with all your ways… I hem you in – behind and before; I have laid my hand upon you… Where can you go from my Spirit? Where can you flee from my presence? If you go up to the heavens, I am there; if you make your bed in the depths, I am there… even there my hand will guide you, my right hand will holdyou fast.” ~Psalm 139:1-10

Trusting your gut

I had lunch with a friend today.

Let me just say - how life-giving it is to have good friends! In and of itself, it's food for my soul. But we also got onto a topic that I find very interesting: just "knowing" where you are and having a "sense" of where you are going.

We were talking about the subject of having kids. I am, as of this moment in time, unable to have children. I don't know why; and I'm in the investigative process at a fertility clinic right now in order to understand the ins and outs of the 'why'. It could be my husband, but my gut tells me it is me; and regardless, the physical results of this malady have put me in an interesting position: one of making an actual decision about children.

The nice thing about having girlfriends and being a girl yourself is that you have the freedom to just 'talk' about issues: things like whether or not you really WANT to have children; and regardless of the conclusions reached in that conversation, you're free to change your mind during the next conversation based on the way you FEEL about it that day :) I have talked through this issue with I don't even know HOW many different women, and I have run the full gamut of whether or not I really want to have children - from I definitely DO and I KNOW it, to I'm not sure, to I definitely do NOT. It changes every time I talk about it and my feelings about the subject fluctuate with the circumstances of every day and the feelings of the moment.

Today when I was talking about it, it was almost like I was able to get out of my own way. It was like the Holy Spirit was able to pull back the curtain of my feelings and thoughts, and for the 'first' time, show me clearly what my path really was. Could I see the details of the path - no. But when you're walking down an actual path, can you see more than the 10-20 feet in front of you? No. However, I could see a path; and I had a clear sense of what the path would hold.

Intuition, many times and in many circles, is written off to being a female thing and something not to be trusted. But my experience has been that my intuition is really not mine at all. My intuition's name is the Holy Spirit, and he loves me. He sees me. He knows me. And he knows my path better than I ever will and sees farther down it than I ever could or want to. If I'm willing to synch up with him, he'll lead me - and the end result will be better than I ever could have imagined.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. [However] As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,...so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace..." ~Isaiah 55:8-12

But you can call me Charlie

Hi, my name's Jesus!

Oh you know me? I thought you might have forgotten...

What's that? Hmmmm.

Yea, I wouldn't like me either if I thought I did that.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

That was painful - I remember holding you through it.

Hmmm? What? Yea, I was there.

I cried with you.

I remember holding you and wiping your tears.... there were so many.

Oh, don't cry now. You didn't know... it's okay.

You're here now. I'm here now. That's all that matters to me.

I love you so much - so much it's hard to put into words.

And if you don't like "Jesus"... you can call me Charlie....

Just call me. I love you.

"That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet..." ~Shakespeare

Post-election appassionata

I am a Christian. For all intents and purposes, I was trained to be a pastor. I have not had a perfect life; in fact, I have made many choices that go 'against' what a Christian should do. And I am sitting here in front of my computer RELIEVED that I have had the opportunity to go through what almost everyone else in the world goes through, because although at this point in time I am questioning many things and re-sorting my beliefs and priorities - although I need to, as most Christians would say, come back to God - I have walked through the desert with everyone else who has been there and I freaking know and understand - real life.

I've been reading lately. I've been reading blogs and books and articles from people who have been pro-McCain and pro-Republican because simply put: he and Sarah Palin represent the principles and values they hold most dear. Well, history has made itself and Obama won. Probably no more point arguing it now. But I see a bigger problem. And I have seen and read very little that addresses it.

We as Christians like to believe that we are somehow 'set apart' and different and better than the rest of world. I know no one wants to say that out loud, but if we're honest, that's what we think. We box ourselves in, keep ourselves safe with our belief in 'values' and 'principles' and many, many times lose sight of the reality of life and the realities in which other people live.

If I'm honest, I don't see the point to a God who can't connect with real people in real times. I don't see a point to a religious stand that keeps us Christians separate and apart from people - real people. I don't see a point to being 'holy' - set apart, completely other - if we are completely other, away from everybody else. Our extreme viewpoints polarize and alienate us from the rest of the world. We cry out in the safety of our churches for revival to come to the land and yet we as the deliverers of hope wall ourselves in with our narrow viewpoints and extreme opinions. We have no hope to offer on our self-rightous pedestals.

What does Barack Obama represent? Forgetting for one moment that the Democratic party historically combats some of the basic principles that Christians make their stand on: Barack Obama represents hope. That in and of itself should be a shining light into our corporate Christian brain - that in and and of itself should be the 'ah hah' we've all been waiting for. Hope is what people want. Hope is what people need. Hope is what was shining on the faces of the thousands of people crowding the square last night in Chicago. And funny enough: oh, and this is where it gets good and what causes gratitude and tears to flow through my heart: hope is what Jesus brought.

He brought hope that we can be and are, children of God. He brought hope that we can know the Father even more and better than he did. He brought hope that we, the common people, would do the things that he did and yet even more. He brought hope of eternal life - not just the kind that goes on after the body dies, but here - and now. He brought hope that we can go through anything - and he will understand and forgive and teach and love.........Jesus brought hope.

I think we, as a corporate whole, have completely and thoroughly missed the point. And I think it's time for us to start opening our eyes. The world wants hope. We have the answer. Not in the form of judgments and opinions and stalwart beliefs: in the love that flows through us because we were first loved. We have to be willing to get off our high-powered, status-oriented, principled horses, and get down in the muck with everyone else. I think what we might find will surprise us. Because funny enough, the muck is where everything grows. And hope is seed easily planted and once sown - a tree that bears beautiful fruit.

Help's name is Jesus

This post starts with something I’ve noticed in all my years of going to church: no matter who you are – if you have walked through the doors of a church – you are messed up. Yes, you in the suit; and you with your perfect coif and lovely outfit; and even you with the Ipod implanted in your inner ear – come on, let’s be honest – we’re all a little messed. I don’t care if you are the ‘perfect’ suburbanite family or the girl hung over from the night before. Let’s be honest with each other here: you didn’t walk through those doors to “play church”. In truth, you wish the game was over and you could just be real… and get real help for your real-life.

Let’s confront ourselves here: what do we, the Christian community, give people? I mean us, the real people! A lingo and language they’ve never heard before and know nothing about… a code of Christian ethics they may or may not be familiar with… a backing away from the issues they really struggle with leaving them completely alone and without the real tools that God provides them in the Bible… a nicey-nice welcome…. And? For that matter, what do we, the Christian community give OURSELVES??

For those of us who grew up in church, regardless of the denomination, these church-y games are pretty familiar. Sure, we may have to learn a few new things, but on the whole – church is church is church is church. And it’s comfortable for us because it’s not challenging, and aside from a bit of an inconvenience on the weekends where, let’s face it - we’d rather be sleeping in - it’s unobtrusive to the rest of our lives. We almost like that it doesn’t apply – we don’t have to work at anything or ask ourselves any tough questions. We just go, make an appearance, and go back to life as usual.

But what happens when life as usual becomes very unusual? It always seems to, at some point. What then? What happens when we, as church-going Christians end up in the same ‘needy’ boat as all those quote-unquote ‘non-Christians’ out there? By then church is not a ‘help-place’ or a ‘get-real’ place – it’s a ‘church-face’ place. And where’s your church face now? Now that your husband has just admitted to having an affair, or your marriage is struggling, or you’re having a hard time getting up in the morning – what now?

I guess that’s when we just stop coming to church because what will people think? They might ask questions, or even worse, not; and what would we tell them anyway? They don’t really know anything about us. I mean, in our home groups we talk about our kids and our opinions; but nothing past that - nothing really deep. Besides they wouldn’t know how to help us anyway. Look at them! They’ve all got it together – I’m sure none of them have ever dealt with this kind of thing before.

Church is great for those who already have it together… but wait a minute – do any of us really have it together? Hmmmm. Nope. I know I don’t. I have my moments, my weeks where things fall nicely into place, but most of the time, even as a Christian, my life is chock full of the normal things every other person struggles with. Where does a normal person like me go for help?

Where IS this Jesus that used to help people? I thought I could find him at church; but I’ve looked and looked and I can’t find him anywhere. I hear songs about him, I hear preaching about him, I hear people say they are blessed: but didn’t Jesus say something about being able to tell the tree by it’s fruit?? Where’s the fruit of all this love? WHERE’S THE HELP? None of you seem to be able to handle the kind of things I deal with… Maybe I’ll just go back to the quick fixes I had before… only I don’t really want to now…

Let’s be direct here, can we? Church can be, SHOULD be fun. And coupled with that, with just as much urgency and importance, church SHOULD be helpful. Church should empower us, give us tools with which to live our lives. We certainly get none of that in the world.

And let’s ask the hard question: what good is God anyway if knowing him doesn’t improve our lives?

I watch so many Christians; everyone seems to know the God-language of ‘being in God’s will’ and ‘being blessed’ and ‘praying’ and all of that… but if you take a moment to look at their lives, so many are drowning in oceans of low self-worth and fear and rejection. Their marriages are tepid at best, completely falling apart at the worst. They are struggling with affairs, lust and pornography. Their children are running amok. And I find, no one wants to say anything because “ things SHOULDN’T be like that”.

I think “shouldn’t” should be eliminated from our vocabulary as humans on this earth. WHAT?! What do you mean you shouldn’t be struggling? Where is there room for the healer? Where, in your hurting heart, have you left room for the one who can help?

Everything we’ve been taught tells us that we get the most approval and make the most friends when we’ve got it together. And so we’ve developed all these survival mechanisms for ‘keeping’ it together, or at least keeping the appearance up. Just call them and give a good excuse – no one will ever know.

WHERE IS THE GOD OF POWER? WHERE IS THE GOD OF LOVE? AND WHAT GOOD IS LOVE IF IT DOESN’T DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?!!!

I’m sorry: I can hear your trained-up Christian brain churning… rebelling against the very questions it asks in wordless cries at powerless times… because they’re not right!! They’re not the questions you should ask. Good Christians just ‘follow Jesus’, not ask questions. If church is boring and I get nothing out of it, than that’s just the way church is; and if Jesus seems out-dated and antiquated, than Jesus is just irrelevant and that’s just the way it is; if my life is in total disarray, than that’s just God’s will for me, and on the days it’s really bad, that’s him punishing me for…. well, whatever he wants, really. He is God, you know. He can do whatever he wants… it’s his timing, his will, his way. I don’t even really count except to be his servant… whatever that means, really.

I just want to ask: when was it that we came up with our own language that lets everyone talk and no one communicate? When did we say that telling it how it really was, was uncool and that really ‘good’ Christians just kept all that bad stuff hidden? When did God become so disempowered in our eyes that we couldn’t just be where we were and come to the throne of grace and receive his love and his mercy? When did God jump out of our hearts, where he is ‘said’ to live, and into the eyes of other people, so that he could judge us based on our supposed good works?

We, the church, have got it wrong. We have stripped God of his power with our denial and saving face. We have reduced Jesus to a name that we sometimes mention in prayers and sporadic Bible studies. The Holy Spirit is just someone who kind of tags along with the other two – we don’t really know what he does, but apparently, he’s a good guy and all in the name of good Christian living.

Let’s face it: we as the church don’t really want to attract those ‘bad’ kind of people… we don’t really want to deal with any ‘issues’, because honestly, what would we do? What would we say? We only want to deal with the things we’re familiar with, and stick straight to the Bible, straight to the Word of God!

Hmmm: what does that mean? What good is the Word of God if it doesn’t help set people free and love them and let them be safe for the first time in their lives? Who do we think Jesus was? Why did all the outcasts of society feel so comfortable with him? Was it because he smelled nice? Or maybe, just maybe, it was because they had been so rejected by the religious people of the day that it was refreshing to find someone that talked about God, and loved them at the same time. Cared about, found solutions to, talked about – their infirmities… their sicknesses… their addictions.

Let’s change. Right now. Let’s change things to the way they were intended to be. Let’s open the doors and fling open the windows to the messy, ever-present, wind blowing, mind numbing, heart rending love of God. Let’s invite the glorious, bone-chilling, heart-melting presence of Jesus into our lives in whatever way we know how… to my brother with whom I share everything. Let’s bring the real God in, God the relevant! Let’s search out the ways he changes me! What does he bring? How can I live my dreams and be myself? Does he teach me how to do that? Is it possible that he is for me in every way that a person can be for another person? Is it possible that the sheer act of letting him love me could change me so much that everyone around me might not even recognize me?
LET’S ASK OURSELVES THE QUESTIONS THAT WILL BRING LIFE:
What does it mean to experience God? How do I do it? Is it just a mystery or is it something I can do everyday? Does the presence of God ‘fall’, or is it something I can feel and experience all the time? Who is this Jesus anyway? And what does it REALLY mean to be ‘in Christ’? I hear so many people talk about it – but I still see miserable marriages and people struggling in every area of their life. Jesus said he wanted us to have life and have it more abundantly. Then how come most of the Christians I know seem uptight and afraid of having fun or money?

“That’s the problem with the church in America. We are all information and no power. The frustration of most Christians is that they cannot get what they know to work. The answer is not to learn more. The answer is to find ways to grow in what we do know. Paul said it this way, "For the kingdom of God is not in word, but in power." 1 Corinthians 4:20. ~www.impactministries.com

Here’s the truth about Jesus. The truth is that knowing him is the most freeing, exciting thing that can ever happen to a person. The truth is that getting saved takes one’s life on a path never before imagined by your poor, tired brain and only imagined by your sweet, underused heart. The truth is that Jesus will be the only one in your life that will always be for you, mistaken or not, the one that will always stay with you on your side, mistaken or not, the one who will never forget you and will always be walking with you down the path that you most want to go. He is… ever. He is… now. He is… love. And you don’t even know what that means yet. You’ve never felt anything like it because he takes your already tired definition of love, and blows it right out of the water into a million stars that take an eternity each of them to explore, each one shining brighter and delving deeper than the ones before it. He shows you the world in every touch of his hand, and brings you on the wings of your dreams into a dawn of hope that you were just too afraid to imagine. He is love, brilliant, violent, ear-splitting, mind-numbing, heart-shattering, tear-inducing, all-enrapturing love… that makes your most insane and extraneous dream come true turning you into the epitome of stature and love in the process.

There is nothing or no one like Jesus. We have made him irrelevant, powerless, iconic, pasty, mean, vindictive, aloof, uncaring, indifferent- we have killed him. Not just once, but twice. And the sad thing is – he’s not dead!! He’s alive, active, interested, involved, attendant, entertaining, vibrant, excited… and ready to interact… with you!

The Bible says, Seek and you will find. You WILL find. Ask the life-giving questions. You WILL find – Him. Love. Mercy. Forgiveness. Excitement. LOVE.